So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
