did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
