Soap is not a condiment
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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