Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
