Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
