yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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