I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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