i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
