The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
