you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
