we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
