This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
