How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
