Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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