I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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