went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Randomize
