Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
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