normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
