she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
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