I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
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