it's too hot outside to masturbate.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
