Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
