If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
