To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
