Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
