I'm sorry my penis didn't work
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
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