so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
