I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I heard moaning and ass slapping and sponge bob.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
