apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
God gave him joint rollers for hands
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Randomize
