Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
