Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
