i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
