i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
