im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
handjob tips. give me some.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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