yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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