I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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