ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
