I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
