Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
