Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
