What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
