My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
