Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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