fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
