I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
