I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
