i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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