we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
