My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
