The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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