Apparently you make a good broom.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
Randomize
