sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
